How to Deal With Your BKC Moscow Flatmate From Hell

This blog post comes courtesy of one of our anonymous contributors.

So! You hate your flatmate. Get in line at BKC Accommodation! And prepare for this to happen: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!  This is what happens when you complain about your flatmate:

Step 1: You send an e-mail to BKC Accommodation.
Step 2: You get no reply, so you phone BKC Accommodation and e-mail again.
Step 3: BKC Accommodation sends both you and your flatmate a form letter, telling you both that you need to get along.
Step 4: Your flatmate ignores the e-mail and continues whatever it is he or she is doing to annoy you.
Step 5: You send BKC Accommodation another email, and start to get VERY UPSET.
Step 6: BKC Accommodation invites both you and your flatmate in to "discuss the issues." Your flatmate might not even show up.
Step 7: You are given a choice: live with your flatmate and stop bothering BKC Accommodation, or move to a distant flat, far away from your schools. No matter who is to blame, no matter how much evidence you lay at the table of BKC Moscow, unless you are literally or figuratively in bed with BKC Moscow, BOTH OF YOU MUST MOVE OUT OF THE FLAT.
Step 8: Repeat steps indefinitely.

You MIGHT have a chance at getting BKC Accommodation to place you in a flat with a person who is not crazy or disgusting or evil - that is where a little thing called "bribery" comes into play.

• Ply the BKC Accommodation Manager with the following: chocolates, vodka, and, if you're very desperate: an envelope with 1000 rubles. Make certain that you use the words "gift" when you do this. Enclosing a card may seal the deal. 
• Compliment the BKC Accommodation Manager on her beauty. If you are a female, then tell her how pretty she looks today, and where on earth did she buy that lovely dress? 
• If you are a male, imply to the BKC Accommodation Manager that you would like to sleep with her. Make positive references to her body parts, including her breasts and ass.

Final Steps to Take When the Above Actions Fail

• Fight fire with fire. What exactly is the issue with your flatmate? Does he leave his dirty dishes all over the place? Put them in his room. Does he leave his dirty underwear in the bathroom? Get some plastic gloves, remove the items and place them directly on his bed, with a sign that says, "These are a health hazard, you disgusting moron."
• Does your flatmate stay up all night and make a lot of noise, making it impossible for you to sleep? Arrange to spend the night at a friend's flat. Set up your clock radio to blast rock music starting at 1 a.m. 
• Does your flatmate leave the toilet dirty? Get a jar, and pee into it. When your flatmate is out, enter the flatmate's room and spill your urine over all her clothes and bed. This is best done when the flatmate has just left the apartment. When the flatmate returns, she will find that her entire bedroom smells like piss, but the wetness should have dried by then. 
• Does your flatmate steal your stuff? Carry all your valuables on you at all times. Then enter the flatmate's room when he or she is out, and steal whatever you want. BONUS TIP: Steal things that look important, such as paper with phone numbers on it, directions, phone cards, and so forth. Toss them all in the garbage. 
• Call the militia and tell them you have an illegal immigrant living at your flat. (This only works if you or one of your friends speaks Russian). TIP: If you do this, make sure you LEAVE the flat after you do this, before the police arrive, otherwise you might end up having to pay a bribe to the militia.)
• Is your flatmate a truly psychotic person? Do they talk to people who are not there, scream at the walls, or scream at you? If this is the case, THEN YOU ARE TRULY FUCKED. BKC Moscow doesn't care how crazy a teacher is, as long as they show up when they're supposed to. If you or one of your friends speaks Russian, it may be possible to get the authorities involved and have the crazy flatmate carted off to jail or to the mental hospital. 
• Other possible remedies for a psychotic roommate include 1) attempting to drug him or her with sedatives by dissolving sedatives in his/her beverages 2) screaming along with them when they start to go crazy 3) inviting your friends and students to visit your flat and make fun of your crazy roommate 4) get a video camera or your cell phone, and videotape your roommate as he or she is "acting out." 5) post the video on YouTube with the tags "BKC Moscow" "roommates" "crazy" and your flatmate's real name. 

Good luck to you, BKC Moscow Teacher With the Flatmate From Hell! You are not the only one in your position. Many have come before you, and many will come after you. (Your flatmate might actually really come after you -- think about investing in a lock on your door. At the very least, barricade yourself in at night if you feel that they will become homicidal.)